


I don't love you .... Yet

by fudgethewhat



Category: Holby City
Genre: And the whole Holby gang, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-05
Updated: 2016-10-08
Packaged: 2018-08-19 18:23:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8220559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fudgethewhat/pseuds/fudgethewhat
Summary: After leaving the hospital in such a dramatic cowardly way the last person Bernie Wolfe expects to see on her doorstep was the one person she would give anything to have one last moment with





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ok been a while since I’ve written femslash so sorry if this is really bad.   
> This started with three lines, “I don’t love you.” “I’m nobody.” – I’ll tell you the other line in chapter two because it might be spoiler!!  
> If you haven’t seen the most recent episode, then spoilers – for that matter if you have only started watching since Bernie arrived then there will also be spoilers!   
> This is had not been betaed so all mistakes are my own and I love them all!   
> The rating might go up that will depend on lots of things but mainly my muse – she is very fickle!

Bernie couldn’t help the gasp that fell from her lips as she opened her front door, “Serena.”

Holding up her hand Serena shook her head silencing the blonde. “No. This time you listen to me. You’ve had your say twice,” she swallowed the lump building in her throat, she had come here for a reason and she wasn’t leaving until the other woman had heard her out.

“I don’t love you.”

The words spoken in Serena’s no nonsense tone brought tears to Bernie’s eyes and caused an almost physical pain to her gut. “Well, thanks.” She tried to keep the hurt out of her tone, to not allow Serena to know how much those words hurt. Yes, she had run away, yes she had told Serena that time and space was needed between them, but never expected that this would be the conclusion the other woman would come to and certainly not only hours after she’d fled. She had seen the look in those beautiful brown eyes, she knew that look. Serena loved her.

“Bernie,” Serena waited until the other woman’s eyes met her own. “I don’t love you.” The tone was kinder but the words still hurt.

“You said that already,” straightening her back Bernie pulled on all her British reserve, her Army training. “Was there anything else you needed, I have to start packing.”

“Bernie.” The exasperated tone caused Bernie to frown.

“What do you want? You come here and say that to me,” Bernie could feel her anger rising. She and Serena had, had their moments but she had nerve truly lost her temper with the other woman. “I don’t know what you expect me to say to do. But I guess I was right, this. You and me it was rushed. Borne from something, something that isn’t even ….” Her rambling was cut off by a pair of lips she’d been dreaming of for weeks pressing against hers. She couldn’t help but moan and wrap her arms around Serena deepening the kiss. She didn’t understand what was going on but just like in their office and on the theatre floor, she knew she needed to make the most of this moment to memorise it all just in case this was it, the only time. The final time.

Pulling back Serena rested her forehead against Bernie’s. “I don’t love you,” she pressed her thumb against Bernie’s lips to keep the other woman from replying. “But I am falling in love with you.” Serena knew it was cruel, the way she had acted in the last few minutes but her heart was still hurting after Bernie had walked away from her, ignored her begging and ran. She was after all Serena Campbell; she could hold a grudge for a lifetime. Except apparently when it came to Berenice Wolfe. For whatever reasons she couldn’t stay angry with the former Army medic, even when she wanted to. And she really, really wanted to. Especially this time, and the time before with Cameron and the police, the time before that when the blonde had been sent to spy on her and definitely the first time she had caught Bernie lying to her. Somehow though, she always ended up forgiving and moving on.  Always back to Bernie.

“What?” Bernie cleared her throat, her heart was hammering in her chest. She couldn’t believe she’d gone from heartbroken to this in such a short space of time. Serena Campbell was falling in love with her. She’d known, the words in the basement had made it clear. The words in the basement that had terrified her now made her want to cry with joy not fear.

“Can I?” Serena nodded behind Bernie, they needed to talk and it wasn’t a conversation they could have on a door step.

“Of course,” Bernie stepped back and closed the door once Serena was inside. “Would you like a drink?”

“No, thank you. I just …” Dropping her bag Serena turned her eyes moving over Bernie’s face. “I …” She stepped forward and pressed her lips briefly against Bernie’s. “Sorry but you’re not the only one who’s has been wanting to do that for weeks. That’s not why I’m here though.”

“No,” Bernie shook her head sadly. Serena was falling in love with her and she already loved the other woman not that she was brave enough to say it out loud. It wasn’t until the moment she’d told Hanssen that she would take the secondment but made him promise that she could tell Serena and that the Trauma Unit would get a good locum, that she had dared to even think it. That didn’t mean everything would be ok, she was about to leave for three months and while Serena had a huge heart and had forgiven her in the past for many things. What she had done today, walking away from her best friend, the woman she loves, possibly her last chance at true happiness, while the other woman begged and pleaded with her. It wasn’t something that anyone could forgive easily.

“Can we go sit down, please?” Bernie whispered her eyes dropping to the floor. “We need to talk, we both know that and I think it would be easier if we …” She trailed off with a shrug, unsure of why sitting would make anything easier.

“Ok,” Serena picked up her bag and turned making her way through Bernie’s flat, they had both been to each other’s homes enough over the last few months that she knew the way.

Sitting nervously side by side on the sofa, both women looked down at their own laps, neither knew how to start this conversation. There was so much to say, so much ground to cover relationships were messy, complicated things on their own but add families, children the fact they worked together in Holby a place that fed on gossip, a new haircut could keep people talking for days never mind a new romance.

 To both of them this was new, Bernie may have slept with a woman before, had a relationship of sorts but to be out in public, to announce to the world that she was in love with another woman was scary.

For Serena, she knew how she felt knew what she wanted but her relationship with Edward had almost cost her everything. She knew how the people of Holby could behave and just because Ric had been kind and full of support it didn’t mean everyone else would be. She’d also seen first-hand the way Dominic had been treated by patients in the past, could she handle that, would she stay as calm as he had?

Was it worth it, slowly Serena lifted her head her eyes moving over Bernie starting at her calf and up to the side of her head. The other woman’s eyes remained downward but Serena didn’t need to see them to know exactly what they looked like. Bernie’s eyes had haunted her dreams for weeks, months if she was honest and that’s what tonight was all about being honest. Yes, Serena gave a small nod, it was worth it. Bernie was more than worth it and if she needed to she would fight for them both.

“I didn’t handle today well.”

Bernie’s head snapped up as Serena’s voice cut through the silence. “Neither of us did. I’m sorry, so very sorry.”

“I know.” Taking a deep breath Serena reached out and brushed a lock of hair behind Bernie’s ear. “It is the right thing, we both do need time and space but not so I can work out what I want. I know what I want. But I think …” She trailed off and turned her head away trying to get her thoughts into some sort of order.

“It might be the right thing but I could’ve, I should’ve ….” Bernie’s voice caught, she couldn’t find the words to make how she’d handled things right. She had never been a words type of person, preferring to adage, ‘actions speak louder than words’ but this wasn’t the right time for that, while she didn’t think Serena would mind if she reached across and used her lips, hands and body to show the other woman how she felt, the problems would still be there and things would probably be even more strained between them. 

“Hey,” reaching out Serena brushed the back of her fingers across Bernie’s jaw. “It’s ok.” The look of regret, pain and guilt in Bernie’s eyes as she shook her head caused Serena’s heart to clench and she found herself forgiving the other woman just like she always did. “Right now it is. Just let it go. Ok?”

“Ok,” she didn’t believe it ok not really but if it was what Serena wanted then she would let it go, for now.

With a small smile Serena sat back, “this is Holby.” Bernie frowned at the sudden conversation shift but kept quiet. “Do you know how many people that work in this hospital have had affairs, even just in the time you’ve been there never mind me.”

Bernie shook her head still confused. “No.”

“Me neither,” Serena let out a humourless laugh. “I know about some of them, Raf’s wife Amy that was a complicated one, not really an affair but it did end up in a baby and nearly destroyed AAU and at least two good doctors.” Bernie watched as Serena seemed to drift off into her memories for a moment. “I was angry, hurt for Raf absolutely furious at how it played out but I didn’t react like I did when I found out about you and Alex.”

Bernie’s head dropped, shame burning through her. “Serena.”

“Stop,” reaching out Serena gripping Bernie’s chin and pulled the other woman’s face up so their eye met. “Just listen. I was hurt and not because you lied. It was none of my business, I didn’t understand why I was hurt,” she rubbed her thumb over Bernie’s lips. “Not then.”

“I couldn’t tell you,” covering Serena’s hand with her own bringing their joint hands to rest on her lap. “I didn’t know how, I wanted to be honest with you, I did.” She swallowed and looked down watched her thumb run over the back of Serena’s hand. “But after you told me about Edward and what he put you though I just couldn’t find a way, I didn’t want you to hate me.” She looked up with a sheepish smile.

“I don’t think I could,” at Bernie’s questing look she smiled. “I can’t even stay angry with you. And I’ve tried.” With her free hand she reached up trailing her index finger over Bernie’s forehead and down her nose. “There is just something about you, there always has been right from that very first meeting.”

Smiling at their joint memory Bernie nodded, “there has always been something about you as well.”

“My feelings are not something that just happened today, the idea of you leaving probably did scare me into acting …. Saying …” She shook her head. “But it’s been building for a long time, even before our first kiss. I don’t lie to police for just anyone,” she gave a small shrug. “A lie of omission is still a lie. I also wouldn’t have given up half my department to build a Trauma Unit for just to make someone feel better after a hard day.”

Bernie couldn’t help but smile at that, the Trauma Unit truly was the best gift anyone could’ve given her. “I’m sorry about everything with Cam.” Bernie frowned, she apologised too much, she screwed up too much.

“He’s your son Bernie, we do what we need to when it comes to protecting our children.”

“And nephews,” the both smiled slightly. “Still I should never have brought you into it, you or the Trauma Unit.”

Leaning forward Serena rested her head against Bernie’s twining their fingers together. “All you had to do was tell me the truth, trust me to have your back, to be on your side.”

“You always do.”

“Yes.”

“I’ve let you down with that as well haven’t I?”

Serena pulled back, “what do you mean?”

“Since before that conversation Albie’s you have always had my back and I haven’t always had yours. When I need you, you’re there but I haven’t returned the favour, it’s always about me.”

“Bernie,” Serena could feel the guilt building in the other woman. “You have my back; you have always had my back even if you don’t think so I do.” Wrapping one hand around Bernie’s upper arm Serena sat back pulling Bernie with her allowing the silence to settle over them as they both got lost in their own thoughts.

A large smile suddenly broke out over Bernie’s face and she tightened her grip on Serena’s hand.

“What is that smile for?” Serena whispered not wanting to break the peace that had developed in the room.

“When Hanssen wanted another Consultant on AAU.”

“To babysit me.” Serena added with little humour.

“Yes to babysit you,” the sarcasm in Bernie’s voice made Serena smile. “When Hanssen wanted another Consultant on AAU I told you I’d offered so that it was someone who would have your back. That’s not exactly true.” At Serena’s raised eyebrow Bernie smirked. “You’re Serena Campbell, every Consultant in Holby respects you and most of them adore you, you would’ve been fine with someone else. I offered because I wanted to be close to you.” Bernie’s smirk grew at the blush that covered Serena’s cheeks, leaning in she pressed a kiss against the heated skin.

“Really?” Bernie nodded, “I’m glad it was you.”

Silence fell over them again until Serena’s sigh broke it. “It’s my turn to apologise for today.”

“You have nothing to apologise for.”

“Yes I do,” Serena stood up and paced a few steps before sitting down again. “I’m nobody Bernie.”

“What?” Bernie grabbed hold of Serena’s upper arms, “of course you are.”

“No,” Serena shook her head. “I’m not. I’m not your partner or child. I have no right to ask you to stay.”

Bernie’s eyes filled with tears, it was she had wanted all day for Serena to ask her to stay. “You’re my ….” There wasn’t just one word in any langue to describe who Serena was to her, to explain what the other woman meant to her.

“I’ve been trying all day to find a way to ask you to stay without actually saying the words, I didn’t want to say too much to scare you.” Serena scoffed, “that didn’t work did it?”

“I’m a coward,” Serena shook her head. “I am Serena, when it comes to personal relationships I’m a coward.” Bernie brushed her lips against Serena’s. “You are not nobody, not to me.”


	2. Chapter 2

Neither knew who moved first but their lips came together in a passionate kiss. The whimper that came from deep within Serena spurred Bernie on and she shifted them both. They ended up lying back on the sofa with Bernie leaning over Serena. With their legs intertwined, one of Serena’s hands moved over Bernie’s side to rest on waist and the fingers of the other hand twined in blonde hair.

Holding her weight on one arm Bernie trailed her fingers up and down the top of Serena’s upper arm before moving to cup the other woman’s cheek. 

This kiss was so much more than their others, with their bodies pressed so close together and their tongues battling. The passion, the love, the affection they had both tried so hard to ignore took over, no longer hidden behind shy smiles and tentative friendly touches.

“God,” Serena gasped as Bernie’s fingers brushed the side of her breast and the blonde’s lips moved to her neck. “We can’t do this.”

“What?” Bernie lifted her head, trying to catch her breath, to try and understand what Serena was saying. “Serena?”

“We can’t,” Serena wrapped her leg further around Bernie’s hips and tightened her grip on the other woman. “You leave in three days; I don’t want to let you go now. How am I supposed to let you go once I know …?” Her eye moved over Bernie’s face. “Once I know what it’s like to touch you.” She groaned quietly her hips lifting slightly off the sofa. “To know what it’s like to be touched by you. God Bernie.” With another groan she lifted her head and pulled Bernie’s back into another passionate kiss.

Bernie moved her lips back to Serena’s neck her own hip pressing forward desperate for any sort of contact, she’d been dreaming of this for so long. Of being with Serena. “You’re right,” she whispered the words against Serena’s collar bone. “It would be torture, to find out what it’s like to be with you. To know what you taste like and then …” she stopped suddenly and lifted her head scared that she had gone too far. Her libido had overridden her sense of self; she didn’t want to push Serena too far. The look of love and lust in Serena’s eyes calmed Bernie’s nerves.

“Or maybe,” Serena pressed her lips to Bernie’s in a quick kiss. “It would work the other way.”

“Memories?”

“Memories, to get us both through a very long three months.”

Bernie whimpered and pressed her face into Serena’s neck, “I wish I didn’t have to go.”

“But you do.” Serena ran her fingers through Bernie’s hair, there was no anger or pain in her tone it was just a fact Bernie had made a deal, a commitment.

“I’m sorry.”

Serena pressed her lips to crown of Bernie’s head, “you apologise too much.”

“I screw up too much.”

Serena shook her head but didn’t comment, this was an argument she wanted to get into now. “You owe me dinner.”

Sitting up Bernie looked at the clock, “I do. It’s a little late for me to start cooking though.”

“Takeaway will be fine.”

“Ok,” with a small nod Bernie stole another kiss before sitting up carefully untangling the legs. “I’ll get the wine and menus.” Serena gave her own small nod and watched the other woman move through to the kitchen. She didn’t regret coming here tonight, for clearing the air a little but part of her couldn’t help but wonder if the next three months would have been easier to live through with the heartbreak of Bernie leaving the way she did at the hospital rather than a goodbye at the airport that she would ensure happened. With a shy she sat up and got comfortable removing her shoes and sitting back. She wasn’t sure what would happen after dinner, she wanted to stay. She was sure of how she felt she was completely sure about her feelings, she was also sure of Bernie’s but three months was a long time. It was a long time to be apart from anyone never mind someone you were starting a relationship with. Her thoughts paused, is that what they had a relationship, or at least the start of one. They’d been to dinner many times, including just last night a wonderful romantic Italian restaurant, was that a date. Did coffee on a bench count as date, if it they’ve been dating since Bernie’s first week in Holby. It was all so confusing, Bernie being a woman wasn’t the confusing part it was Bernie being her closest friends. Going from friends to lovers with anyone was complicated. But when you spent so much of your spare time with that friend then when did a bite to eat become a date, when did a touch become something more than friendly. When did the urge to take care of your friend became wanting to protect the person you love.

“Are you ok?” Serena was pulled from her confusing thoughts by Bernie’s concerned voice. The blonde had walked back into the room to find Serena lost in thought, a crease on her forehead.

“Yes,” she held out her hand for Bernie to take and pulled the other woman down beside her. “I’m going to miss you, you’re such a huge part of my life.”

“I’m going to miss you too, it’s only three months.” At Serena’s look Bernie smirked, three months was a long time to be away from someone you saw every day. Even when things had been awkward between them they still saw enough every day. “I may have made a hasty decision when I accepted the role.”

“No, it is the right thing Bernie. We do need time apart, space.” Serena claimed a quick kiss trying to reassure Bernie that she wasn’t changing her mind. “Not to decide what I want, who I want. But we are in a bubble, you and me, with a few patients, Jason, Cameron it’s all very … I don’t want anyone but you Bernie so don’t ever think otherwise.”

“I know; I don’t want anyone but you.” She couldn’t, wouldn’t make a promise that she would never a cheat, life didn’t work like that. While she wanted to believe this would work, that when she came back that they would be together and happy but she had thought that about Marcus once. She’d thought that her and Alex could be happy but then she’d met the woman sat next her, even if Alex had stayed Serena was it for her. Serena was the one that understood her, the one that accepted her for who she was. The one that had come here to fight for them, even after everything she had done.  “Thank you.”

“What for?”

“Being you?” Bernie shrugged her shoulder, it didn’t make sense but to her Serena was someone to be thankful for.

“Don’t be daft.” Pressing a kiss to Bernie’s shoulder Serena sat forward and picked up the takeaway menus, they had all night to talk, to work things out. Not that there was much more to talk about not when Bernie would be away for so long, any decisions made tonight might not apply in three months. Things can change in a second.

“You’re lost in thought again, Serena. What is it?”

“Three months is a long time,” sighing Serena threw the menus back on the low coffee table. “What if absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder?”

“You mean, out of sight out of mind?” Serena tilted her head, “couldn’t happen.” Running her fingers through Serena’s hair Bernie smiled. “I couldn’t forget you Serena Campbell, I wouldn’t want to try.”

Sitting back Bernie picked up both wine glasses, handing one to Serena. Whatever was going through the other woman’s head she just had to wait, Serena would talk to her when she was ready.

“I’m overthinking things, that’s all. I have three months to overthink and panic and worry.” Reaching out Serena took Bernie’s hand in her own threading their fingers together. “Tonight I want to think about anything, I just want to be here with you. Have something to eat, talk, laugh …” She smiled as her mind drifted to what else she would like to do with Bernie tonight.

Reading Serena’s smirk just as she had earlier in their office Bernie felt herself blush. As much her body was more than ready to take things further, Serena had been right to make love the other woman and then leave for three months was too much for her emotional wellbeing. Even if she was staying she wasn’t sure she was emotionally ready to take that next step, there was too much resting on them getting this right.

“We can do that,” lifting the joint hands she pressed a kiss to the back of Serena’s hand before letting go and reaching for the menus.  


	3. Chapter 3

Once the takeaway from finished and the wine empty, Serena looked at the clock and sighed it was getting late. “I should go.”

“Yes,” Bernie looked down licking her lips. “I want to ask you to stay but….”

“I know,” after the food had arrived the night had been like so many they had shared before the first kiss. The tension that had been between them for weeks had disappeared leaving only their deep friendship. To stay could risk ruining it but Serena knew that leaving now could mean she wouldn’t see Bernie until the day the blonde left. Between work, Jason’s return and Bernie needing to see Cameron there wasn’t a lot of free time.

“Serena,” Bernie cleared her throat. “If .. if … you …” It hurt to even think about what she was going to say never mind actually saying the words out loud.

“If I what?”

“If you,” Bernie licked her lips again her mouth dry. “If you want to put this on hold, to forget about this. Us. Until I come back, I understand.”

Serena’s eyes widened in shock of all the things she had expected Bernie to say this wasn’t it. “Is that what you want?”

“No!” Bernie’s reply came so quick and with such conviction that it left Serena with doubt she was telling the truth.

“Then why would I?” Shaking her head Serena closed the gap between them pulling Bernie close, her next words whispered against Bernie’s neck. “We can’t make each other any promises, neither of us know what might happen in three months. We don’t even know what happen tomorrow but Bernie.” Serena pulled back cupping the other woman’s face in her hands. “I couldn’t forget you, I wouldn’t want to try.”

Bernie let out a wet laugh hearing her earlier words repeated back to her. “No promises then.”

“No promises.”

Serena leant in pressing her lips to Bernie’s. This kiss was different again, deep and loving. Not tentative or overruled by lust. Hands didn’t move beyond shoulders or hair and while they both rested against the back of the couch they stayed upright. This was a promise, the promise neither could bring themselves to say. Both knew how dangerous it was to think too far ahead, to rush things so they fit into a forced time scale, today had proven that. So concerned at scaring Bernie away, Serena had almost done just that. And so terrified that she would hurt the one person who always had her back Bernie’s actions could’ve easily destroyed the strong woman in her arms. 

A sudden job offer, the thing that had brought them together in the first place had almost torn them apart. And still could. 

Pulling back Bernie brushed her nose against Serena’s. “Do you have to leave just yet?”

“Not yet.” Serena smiled and shifted back so she was leaning against the arm of the couch and opened her arms. Her smile growing as Bernie moved to lean against her chest. She had an early start but she’d done plenty of shift on little sleep and this was more important right now. She had to be the strong one, her macho Army medic wasn’t as touch as she made out but Serena knew that. She’d known that since their first shared coffee, when she’d told Bernie to call her next time she wanted to chat.

Running her fingers through Bernie’s hair she pressed her lips to the top of the other woman’s head, remembering that night when she’d crashed Keller’s drinks at Albie’s. Her and Bernie had split off from the group after a while, their conversation had flowed so easily both sharing parts of their lives that they would never normal tell an almost stranger. Serena’s thoughts drifted to all their moments both in and out of the hospital, drinks, coffee, chats.

She had female friends, some very good ones but everything with Bernie was different. They could talk for hours about nothing and everything, some very personal things. Things Robbie didn’t even know about her, telling Bernie had seemed so natural. Bernie knew about her depression, about the heartbreak of finding Edward with another woman, how hard it had been dealing with her mother. How embarrassing it had been for her when the whole hospital had discovered the marks on her back and arms.   

Serena felt Bernie’s breathing even out and slowed the movement of her fingers down, enjoying the peace, of lying here with someone she cared for so deeply in her arms. She allowed her mind to wander to what it would be like to have a future with this woman. To have a public relationship, for all three of their children and Jason to know about them, for their colleagues to know and to approve or at least not disapprove. She smirked for a moment imagining what her mother would think, while she didn’t doubt her mother would like Bernie and had only truly wanted Serena to be happy the possible scandal of Adrianne McKinney’s daughter being in a relationship with another woman, living with and raising grandchildren with that woman, would cause. Serena could just imagine her mother’s face.

Love was just that love. Serena had always believed that, you fell in love with who you fell in love with and as long it didn’t hurt anyone else then it was nobody’s business. And while it had come as a shock realising that the person she now wanted to be with, that she wanted a long future with was a beautiful blonde woman that annoyed the hell of out her most of the time, it didn’t make it any less true. This right here was where she wanted to be, where she needed to be and she didn’t believe any time apart would change her mind.   

Bernie blinked rapidly, waking from what had been the best nap she’d had in years. Her back hurt a little but the solid steady heartbeat under her ear eased all her pain and worry. She didn’t want to move, the idea of spending a whole night, many nights lying in Serena’s arms sounded like a dream come true. But she knew she needed to move Serena needed to go home and she needed to go to bed, tomorrow was a long day. She needed to speak to Cameron, try and speak to Charlotte and if Serena was ok with it she wanted to speak to Jason. Serena’s nephew had become part of her daily life she didn’t want to just disappear on him. Guilt washed over her once again, if it wasn’t for Serena’s bravery in coming here tonight that is exactly what she would’ve done. Disappeared, on them both.

She tightened her arm around the other woman, why did she have to be such a coward. She could’ve destroyed everything because of her own fear. In time Serena would’ve forgiven her, at least enough for them to work together maybe even be friends but Jason. He saw the world in such a different way, would he have forgiven her?

Bernie turned her face deeper into Serena’s neck remembering her actions earlier, Serena holding on to her arm begging for something as simple as a visit and she’d walked away. The whole of AAU had seen it, the way Holby gossip worked everyone would be talking about them by now. Speculating as to what had happened between them and she had left with no intension of going back. Not until she had returned from The Ukraine. She’d left Serena to deal with all that on her own, what sort of person was she? How could she love someone, claim not to want to hurt them and do that?

“Stop.” Serena started running her fingers through Bernie’s hair again hoping to calm the other woman down. “I can hear your brain working overtime. Whatever it is your thinking, whatever it is you are feeling guilty about. Just stop, for now at least just stop.”

Bernie huffed a small laugh and lifted her head, the fact that this woman knew her so well and yet was still here astounded her. “Thank you.” This time Serena didn’t ask what for she knew.

“I have to go.”

“I know,” Bernie claimed a quick kiss before sitting up and stretching her back.

Running her fingers through her hair Serena sat up pressing her lips once again against Bernie’s shoulder trying to imagine what it would be like without the blonde’s shirt in the way. “Will you call me tomorrow after you’ve spoke to your children?”

“Of course. I would like to talk to Jason as well, explain what’s happening, if that’s ok?”

Serena smiled, Bernie was wonderful with Jason never treating him with anything less than respect. Knowing when you could talk straight to him and when things needed explaining in depth. “Of course.”

“Thank you.” Standing Bernie offered her hand to Serena pulling the other woman to her feet. “I really don’t want to go.”

With a soft smile Serena lifted her hand and threaded her fingers through Bernie’s hair pulling the blonde into a soft kiss. “You are going to go to The Ukraine and you are going to be amazing and then you’re going to come home to me.” She paused, “if that’s what you want.” She covered Bernie’s lips with a fingers. “If you don’t, and that’s ok. At least come back to our ward, I need you there, as well.”

Bernie gave a small nod. “I will.”

“Oh, and I’m coming to airport with you Berenice Wolfe. No arguments.” Bernie nodded. “Ok, I’ll speak to you tomorrow.” With one last kiss Serena made to step back but strong arms wrapped tighter around her.

Resting her forehead against Serena’s temple Bernie pressed her lips to the other woman’s ear. “I …”

“No,” Serena forcefully pulled away. “Don’t please.” She knew what was about to happen and it couldn’t. Not now, not yet. If she let Bernie utter the words she knew were on the blonde’s mind, then she would be on the same plane with no thought of Holby or the patients. “When you get home.”

Bernie nodded again but stayed silent, not trusting herself. She so wanted to tell Serena how she felt but it wasn’t fair. On either of them. Taking a step back she rested again the doorway watching as Serena collected her things.

A quick brush of lips and Serena walked towards the door, her back straight and her head high. Everything would be fine. She was Serena Campbell and it was only three months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story will continue and as you can tell it's not sticking to canon so there shouldn't be any spoilers (I might include Robbie we will see) If you have only started watching since Bernie arrived then there might be spoilers from past seasons!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No dialogue is this chapter just Bernie's inner thoughts - a short chapter as well. Bernie is such a difficult character to write like this because we know so little about her and she keep a lot of her emotions close to her chest. I hope this is ok. 
> 
> Next up Serena ....

Three days, it had only been three days since she’d tentatively brushed her lips against Serena’s cheek at the airport. She had so much wanted to pull the other woman into a passionate embrace but Bernie wasn’t a fan of public displays of affection and her son was stood off to one side having insisted he accompanied them. And while Cameron seemed completely accepting of their relationship no child wanted to see their mother like that.

Sighing Bernie lowered her face burning her nose into the collar of her stolen coat. Serena had driven the three of them to airport and while Bernie had collected her case from the boot she had spotted the thick black coat with a leopard print collar and she knew she needed to claim it as her own. At least for the next three months, she needed something of Serena’s since she couldn’t have the real thing.

She missed Serena more than she thought possible. When away with the Army she had missed her children, in the early years she had missed Marcus. Her first time on leave after her relationship with Alex started she had counted down the days until her return but nothing had ever felt like this. She missed every little thing about the other woman. She didn’t want to start a mental list of the small things she missed, adored about Serena Campbell, it would take the whole three months. Bernie assumed that this was what the first flush of love was supposed to feel like.

With Marcus, they had both been in med school too busy and too tired to do the traditional romance. She had loved him, found him attractive but with everything else going on the rush of first love had been lost. Getting married had seemed like the natural thing to do, after her training had finished Bernie had joined the Army full time and for Marcus to come with her and live in family quarters they needed to be married. Looking back in those terms it seemed so clinical, like a business decision not something that had happened out of love.

Children had come next. She didn’t know how to be a good mother, other than being a solider and doctor Bernie felt she didn’t know how to do anything well. She loved her children, more than anything but the Army was her life not her family.

Alex had come as a surprise, a huge surprise. The other woman had kissed her suddenly out of the blue after a tough save. Not unlike her first kiss with Serena. The big difference was Bernie had ran, she had run and threatened disciplinary procedures. It hadn’t come to that but it had taken her longer than a few days to come to terms with what had happened. Serena in panic mode was adorable at least to Bernie but her own panic had been painful, full of self-hatred and anger. Dangerous.

Their whole relationship had been dangerous; Alex could’ve lost her job for just thinking about a relationship with her superior officer but at the time Bernie didn’t care. It was new it was exciting and at the time she thought it was love. It was, in a way but not the all-consuming love you read about in books. It was love that developed from the need for human contact. From the need to live a normal life just for a few snatched moments a day.

In the real world, living together spending every night in the same home, the same bed. It would never have worked. Her and Alex made a good team in a war zone. They made a good team in Holby, but only in theatre.

It had hurt Alex leaving her but it had been the right thing to do, she knew the other woman had expected her to call. For something to happen between them once Bernie had worked out what she wanted. The problem was, what she wanted wasn’t Alex. Not anymore. She wanted Serena, she needed Serena and all the complications that came with it.

 

Lifting her head Bernie inhaled deeply, she needed a cigarette but to do that she would have to take off Serena’s coat and she wasn’t ready to do that yet. She knew Serena wouldn’t mind but she did, three months she had to do everything she could to keep the coat smelling like the other woman.

She wished she’d agreed to meet half way, for Serena to come visit. She wished the other woman was here now in her arms. Sighing again she stood up. Three days down only eighty eight to go.   


End file.
